He is on a morphine drip

There’s a sign on every door. Do not lean on door. I always stand in front of the door on the subway even if there are seats. It makes me feel like I have control of my life.

He’s in a bed in a Queens hospital with a tumor in his bladder and difficulties with his kidneys. He’s been battling cancer for years now. If I bent my neck I could read the tag on his wrist. 1933.

I guess staring down the inevitable end creates no different mindset than when your life was wide open. You still take it as it comes instead of worrying about what could be. Well, that’s how I feel for him at least.

He smiles and speaks English when he wants to say something to me. I like that. They tell me stories of how handsome he always was and how smart he keeps his conversations. He just holds his stomach while he moans now. It’s not fair.

The train back into Manhattan is cold. I should have brought a hoodie. I’m still standing at the train doors even with open seats. It makes me feel like I have control of my life.

Hey, you know those things that people write apologizing for not being around because they needed a break or they’ve been so busy or they have nothing to say or blahbiddy blah blah…?

This isn’t that. I’ve been gone because people are annoying.

People. What a bunch of bastards.

My mother told me this is the blanket I would sleep in as a baby. She got it in Guatemala. She gave it to me a few years ago.  It’s bigger than the queen sized bed and older than most of the things in my house. My girlfriend insists we use it every time the weather gets cool. The weather is cool. Talk about persuasion. Do you have any idea what it’s like getting freaky in a blanket you shit your diaper in? No you don’t know my plight!

My mother told me this is the blanket I would sleep in as a baby. She got it in Guatemala. She gave it to me a few years ago. It’s bigger than the queen sized bed and older than most of the things in my house. My girlfriend insists we use it every time the weather gets cool. The weather is cool. Talk about persuasion. Do you have any idea what it’s like getting freaky in a blanket you shit your diaper in? No you don’t know my plight!